User:Chezz

About This Guy

Part Time student, part time wanna be programmer and mod maker.

Humor

THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.

TODO:

Shoot yourself in the foot.

C:

You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++:

You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot.
Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are 
bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

FORTRAN:

You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you  
read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the 
attempts to shoot yourself anyway because you have no exception-handling capability.

Pascal:

The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Ada:

After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the 
trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you 
can't because your foot is of the wrong type.

COBOL:

Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on 
HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs 
to be re-tied.

LISP:

You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot 
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the 
appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds 
the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you 
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

FORTH:

Foot in yourself shoot.

Prolog:

You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures 
out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.

BASIC:

Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until 
entire lower body is waterlogged.

Visual Basic:

You'll really only _appear_ to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll 
have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.

HyperTalk:

Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

Motif:

You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, 
and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around 
to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

APL:

You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer
characters.

SNOBOL:

If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in 
the right foot.

Unix:

% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm:.o no such file or directory
% ls
%

Concurrent Euclid:

You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

370 JCL:

You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly 
how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

Paradox:

Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.

Access:

You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland 
distribution diskettes instead.

Revelation:

You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as  
soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for.

Assembler:

You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent 
the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.

Modula2:

After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you 
shoot yourself in the head.

CLARION:

You tell your computer to create a program for shooting yourself in the foot with 
a .22, but unfortunately, it only provides ammunition for a rocket launcher. Once you go 
into the source to fix the program, you find relevant proof that JFK really WAS shot by 
Lee Harvey Oswald.

JOVIAL:

You go find the compiler writer and shoot him in the foot.

PL/I:

You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but a third foot is secretly allocated 
before either of the previous two has been freed. You are then informed that a foot has 
been shot, with no indication given as to which one.